Response to Robert's "A Different Place"

Dear Robert,

This is a story about a family dealing with the aftermath of a car crash that injured many of them and resulted in the death of a family friend. The focus is on the guilt the father feels because he was the one driving the car, and the conflict within the narrator as he watches his dad's helplessness.

So, some awesome things about your story. You have some very authentic details, such as about New Years' karaoke on pg. 2. I also really liked the quote on pg. 3 that "hanging up the phone meant not having any answers." It's like resigning yourself to uncertainty. Anyway, that line was very effective. The description of the Costan Rican hospital was also very effective, although I would avoid words like "primitive" (3). It might be considered offensive.

So moving on to suggestions: while I like the details you give about Derick, I would like more so that there is a greater emotional impact in the reader when he actually passes away. I also wish that we were given more background information about the father. For example, if we were supplied with some of the memories of when he had to be strong, maybe we would see a greater contrast between his current state of helplessness and his past strong self. Finally, the ending feels very unfinished to me. Are we supposed to feel that the narrator is somehow also assuming blame for the accident because if he had asked them to come home early, they may not have had the accident? If this is your intention, make it incredibly clear that the narrator is thinking how things might have been different if they had behaved differently. I am also wondering why the narrator is not on the trip with their family. And finally, why does the father refer to his wife as Miss Stephanie? Wouldn't he just call her by her name? And why does he call Derick Mr. Derick on pg. 2?

Thanks for writing! Keep it up.

CK