Response to Shelby's "The Bleeps and Blips of Life"

Why, hello there, Shelby.

This story is about two sister's reuniting when their father is in a hospital dying of cancer. Although they have little in common and their relationship isn't all that great, they have to reach an agreement about whether or not they should take their father off of life support. In the end, they decide to let him go.

So let's begin with what I love about this story. I liked how the narrator's thoughts on pg. 2 contradicted the harshness of her words. She thinks "At least she'd come". This makes her much easier to relate to as readers, and detracts from her bitter tone. Also, it's a very human thing to think one thing and say another. So this makes her more three dimensional and realistic. I liked the comparison of Karen to a teenaged boy asking a girl out on pg. 6, and I also really appreciated the image of Karen's words yanking Anna by the hair on pg. 4. The violence of that statement surprised me, but I liked it a lot. Also, the detail about the scar on his wrist and how she picks up his hand again on the last page was just great. It really gave a lot of heart to the story, and struck me on an emotional level.

I have a couple suggestions for ways to improve your story even more. For one thing, I wish the readers got to see some negative aspects to the dad and some positive aspects about the mom. Right now, the parental characters seem very cut and dry. Maybe add in something about the mother maybe attending a speech competition once and trying to discuss it with her daughter, but she just didn't understand. Maybe she gave her what she thought were compliments. And explore the father character a little bit more, too. What was his relationship like with Karen? What did he first say when he realized his wife was cheating on him? How did he express his anger and hurt?

Also, I think the girls should discuss it a little bit more before deciding to take their father off of life support. Does Karen have any second thoughts about it? Let her show emotion towards the father too, because right now most of the hurt that she is expressing is at her sister instead of at her father's illness.

It was really good. Thanks for sharing!

CK