Response to Janelle's "Safe"

This story is about a paranoid young girl actually finding cause for her paranoia when a man (who we later find out is her father) breaks into her house and attempts to rape her.

This story was really creepy. I was reading it later at night in the library, and even though I was in a well-lit space and surrounded by well-meaning strangers, I started looking over my shoulder and jumping at loud noises. The fear of the narrator translated well from the page. The scene that starts on the bottom of pg. two and continues into pg. 3 is where that started for me. It's a very familiar scenario where something spooks the dog, which spooks me. The image of Twinkly sitting up straight and growling on pg. 3 was also really effective. Basically, I like how you used the dog's body language to convey a lot of the tension and fear building up. I also loved the dog's name, Twinkle. There were a couple details you threw in that I liked, such as Chicken Soup for the Soul and Criminal Minds which were really telling, too.

I would like the know a little bit more about where the character is. Mostly, doesn't she have neighbors? Or does she live way out by herself? And if so, why? Also, I thought the narrator said that the dog didn't bark at her dad, so why does she bark at him in now? Also, why is the dad's mask familiar? His face would be familiar, but would his mask really be? I want to know more about the main character, such as how old she is, and I would like to see a little bit more foreshadowing to warn me that the father is so messed up that he's capable of raping his daughter. Also, how did he get in? If Twinkle goes missing around 10:30 or 11, why is it that the dad doesn't come in until 1:00 am? I guess there were a lot of things that distracted me from the point of the story because I couldn't make sense of them. I didn't understand why the narrator fell asleep on pg. 6. Did she pass out? Did she get drugged or something? What happened?

My biggest suggestion is to go back through and smooth out some of the details to make sure your readers can always understand what's going on and why things can make sense the way they are. Kay, that's all. This story was really good! Thanks for writing!