Hey, Kevin.
So this story is about a very sheltered boy who realizes that his parents have denied him the means to reach his potential, so he finally takes action and sets out to find independence and freedom.
There was a lot that I really enjoyed about this story. On pg.1, the dad waits until the commercial to answer his son. That is such a human, authentic detail and I really love it. I also really liked the dinosaur wallpaper and how the narrator connects with it. That was a really neat comparison and I found it really believable. I also appreciated the details like the exact year and make of the car, and the story about how the grandfather one it in a game of Texas Hold'Em. Nice.
As far as suggestions go, I found it a little bit hard to believe that the grandfather's Last Will and Testament would just be chilling in the basement. Wouldn't they have had to fish that out for legal purposes? And would the parents really have custody of it after the fact? I don't know, it just seems like if they have it, they'd keep it somewhere super safe. Like, in a safe. So did the parents lie to the kid about the car? Was it really sold to someone else? Did the grandfather choose to sell it, or did they choose to sell it? I also wish we'd been given a little bit more backstory, particularly about why the kid is so sheltered. What's up with his parents? And honestly, the "prince/throne/kingdom" analogy confused me. For a little bit, I actually thought I was reading a story about a sheltered prince...
Also, I think I just want a little more. Maybe some greater interactions with is parents, conflicts where he wants to do something and they prevent him from doing it, etc. I think that would do a lot to deepen the story and make the stakes greater. Also, I think it would be interesting if the grandfather had a conflict with the parents about their control over the kid. Just an idea.
CK
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Response to Janelle's "Safe"
This story is about a paranoid young girl actually finding cause for her paranoia when a man (who we later find out is her father) breaks into her house and attempts to rape her.
This story was really creepy. I was reading it later at night in the library, and even though I was in a well-lit space and surrounded by well-meaning strangers, I started looking over my shoulder and jumping at loud noises. The fear of the narrator translated well from the page. The scene that starts on the bottom of pg. two and continues into pg. 3 is where that started for me. It's a very familiar scenario where something spooks the dog, which spooks me. The image of Twinkly sitting up straight and growling on pg. 3 was also really effective. Basically, I like how you used the dog's body language to convey a lot of the tension and fear building up. I also loved the dog's name, Twinkle. There were a couple details you threw in that I liked, such as Chicken Soup for the Soul and Criminal Minds which were really telling, too.
I would like the know a little bit more about where the character is. Mostly, doesn't she have neighbors? Or does she live way out by herself? And if so, why? Also, I thought the narrator said that the dog didn't bark at her dad, so why does she bark at him in now? Also, why is the dad's mask familiar? His face would be familiar, but would his mask really be? I want to know more about the main character, such as how old she is, and I would like to see a little bit more foreshadowing to warn me that the father is so messed up that he's capable of raping his daughter. Also, how did he get in? If Twinkle goes missing around 10:30 or 11, why is it that the dad doesn't come in until 1:00 am? I guess there were a lot of things that distracted me from the point of the story because I couldn't make sense of them. I didn't understand why the narrator fell asleep on pg. 6. Did she pass out? Did she get drugged or something? What happened?
My biggest suggestion is to go back through and smooth out some of the details to make sure your readers can always understand what's going on and why things can make sense the way they are. Kay, that's all. This story was really good! Thanks for writing!
This story was really creepy. I was reading it later at night in the library, and even though I was in a well-lit space and surrounded by well-meaning strangers, I started looking over my shoulder and jumping at loud noises. The fear of the narrator translated well from the page. The scene that starts on the bottom of pg. two and continues into pg. 3 is where that started for me. It's a very familiar scenario where something spooks the dog, which spooks me. The image of Twinkly sitting up straight and growling on pg. 3 was also really effective. Basically, I like how you used the dog's body language to convey a lot of the tension and fear building up. I also loved the dog's name, Twinkle. There were a couple details you threw in that I liked, such as Chicken Soup for the Soul and Criminal Minds which were really telling, too.
I would like the know a little bit more about where the character is. Mostly, doesn't she have neighbors? Or does she live way out by herself? And if so, why? Also, I thought the narrator said that the dog didn't bark at her dad, so why does she bark at him in now? Also, why is the dad's mask familiar? His face would be familiar, but would his mask really be? I want to know more about the main character, such as how old she is, and I would like to see a little bit more foreshadowing to warn me that the father is so messed up that he's capable of raping his daughter. Also, how did he get in? If Twinkle goes missing around 10:30 or 11, why is it that the dad doesn't come in until 1:00 am? I guess there were a lot of things that distracted me from the point of the story because I couldn't make sense of them. I didn't understand why the narrator fell asleep on pg. 6. Did she pass out? Did she get drugged or something? What happened?
My biggest suggestion is to go back through and smooth out some of the details to make sure your readers can always understand what's going on and why things can make sense the way they are. Kay, that's all. This story was really good! Thanks for writing!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Response to "Once in a Lifetime"
This story is about a young girl's memories of a particular family, and how her own family reacted to the way they had changed in the seven years since they had seen them. The narrator seems to be critiquing the parents' judgment of the family. I think the point is that the narrator and her family were critical of this other family without fully understanding what they were going through, and they made assumptions about the choices they made.
One thing about this story that really caught my attention was that it is addressed to Kaushik, opening with "I had seen you before". The narrator doesn't seem aware of readers other than Kaushik, then. However, the story remains very intimate and personal, like reading a letter that was addressed to Kaushik but never meant to be sent. I liked that a lot.
The story seems to take a long time to arrive at its point. The first three pages recount the going-away party for this family, and then it dwells on the preparation for their return for a while. They finally arrive on the pg. 491, nine pages into the story. The story dwells a lot on Indian culture, which is very important to the story obviously, but some of the details having to do with that confused me. For instance, on pg. 484 I am not sure why the narrator is fretting about the seal of the textile company showing. Also, there is a lot of time spent on the coat that Hema inherited from Kaushik and how it caused her to hate him. I don't really understand why this is so important. I also don't understand why the information about Kevin McGrath disappearing on pg. 494 is there. I guess, these things distracted me because I thought they were going to be more significant than they were.
The ending was particularly effective, and it made certain things earlier in the story take on a new meaning. For instance, the title "once in a lifetime" and the appearance of this phrase on pg. 492 becomes much more powerful. Also, the Johnnie Walker and the cigarettes become more significant because they are no longer just symbols of American culture or indulgence. They become coping mechanisms. The parents guess that Dr. Choudhuri is indulging his wife as consolation for the move, but really it's because she is dying. Also, the scene where Parul buys bras becomes more significant since it is breast cancer that she is dying of. Anyway, all of these things were very artfully included in the story and became much more significant at its conclusion, which I really liked.
One thing about this story that really caught my attention was that it is addressed to Kaushik, opening with "I had seen you before". The narrator doesn't seem aware of readers other than Kaushik, then. However, the story remains very intimate and personal, like reading a letter that was addressed to Kaushik but never meant to be sent. I liked that a lot.
The story seems to take a long time to arrive at its point. The first three pages recount the going-away party for this family, and then it dwells on the preparation for their return for a while. They finally arrive on the pg. 491, nine pages into the story. The story dwells a lot on Indian culture, which is very important to the story obviously, but some of the details having to do with that confused me. For instance, on pg. 484 I am not sure why the narrator is fretting about the seal of the textile company showing. Also, there is a lot of time spent on the coat that Hema inherited from Kaushik and how it caused her to hate him. I don't really understand why this is so important. I also don't understand why the information about Kevin McGrath disappearing on pg. 494 is there. I guess, these things distracted me because I thought they were going to be more significant than they were.
The ending was particularly effective, and it made certain things earlier in the story take on a new meaning. For instance, the title "once in a lifetime" and the appearance of this phrase on pg. 492 becomes much more powerful. Also, the Johnnie Walker and the cigarettes become more significant because they are no longer just symbols of American culture or indulgence. They become coping mechanisms. The parents guess that Dr. Choudhuri is indulging his wife as consolation for the move, but really it's because she is dying. Also, the scene where Parul buys bras becomes more significant since it is breast cancer that she is dying of. Anyway, all of these things were very artfully included in the story and became much more significant at its conclusion, which I really liked.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Response to Shelby's "The Bleeps and Blips of Life"
Why, hello there, Shelby.
This story is about two sister's reuniting when their father is in a hospital dying of cancer. Although they have little in common and their relationship isn't all that great, they have to reach an agreement about whether or not they should take their father off of life support. In the end, they decide to let him go.
So let's begin with what I love about this story. I liked how the narrator's thoughts on pg. 2 contradicted the harshness of her words. She thinks "At least she'd come". This makes her much easier to relate to as readers, and detracts from her bitter tone. Also, it's a very human thing to think one thing and say another. So this makes her more three dimensional and realistic. I liked the comparison of Karen to a teenaged boy asking a girl out on pg. 6, and I also really appreciated the image of Karen's words yanking Anna by the hair on pg. 4. The violence of that statement surprised me, but I liked it a lot. Also, the detail about the scar on his wrist and how she picks up his hand again on the last page was just great. It really gave a lot of heart to the story, and struck me on an emotional level.
I have a couple suggestions for ways to improve your story even more. For one thing, I wish the readers got to see some negative aspects to the dad and some positive aspects about the mom. Right now, the parental characters seem very cut and dry. Maybe add in something about the mother maybe attending a speech competition once and trying to discuss it with her daughter, but she just didn't understand. Maybe she gave her what she thought were compliments. And explore the father character a little bit more, too. What was his relationship like with Karen? What did he first say when he realized his wife was cheating on him? How did he express his anger and hurt?
Also, I think the girls should discuss it a little bit more before deciding to take their father off of life support. Does Karen have any second thoughts about it? Let her show emotion towards the father too, because right now most of the hurt that she is expressing is at her sister instead of at her father's illness.
It was really good. Thanks for sharing!
CK
This story is about two sister's reuniting when their father is in a hospital dying of cancer. Although they have little in common and their relationship isn't all that great, they have to reach an agreement about whether or not they should take their father off of life support. In the end, they decide to let him go.
So let's begin with what I love about this story. I liked how the narrator's thoughts on pg. 2 contradicted the harshness of her words. She thinks "At least she'd come". This makes her much easier to relate to as readers, and detracts from her bitter tone. Also, it's a very human thing to think one thing and say another. So this makes her more three dimensional and realistic. I liked the comparison of Karen to a teenaged boy asking a girl out on pg. 6, and I also really appreciated the image of Karen's words yanking Anna by the hair on pg. 4. The violence of that statement surprised me, but I liked it a lot. Also, the detail about the scar on his wrist and how she picks up his hand again on the last page was just great. It really gave a lot of heart to the story, and struck me on an emotional level.
I have a couple suggestions for ways to improve your story even more. For one thing, I wish the readers got to see some negative aspects to the dad and some positive aspects about the mom. Right now, the parental characters seem very cut and dry. Maybe add in something about the mother maybe attending a speech competition once and trying to discuss it with her daughter, but she just didn't understand. Maybe she gave her what she thought were compliments. And explore the father character a little bit more, too. What was his relationship like with Karen? What did he first say when he realized his wife was cheating on him? How did he express his anger and hurt?
Also, I think the girls should discuss it a little bit more before deciding to take their father off of life support. Does Karen have any second thoughts about it? Let her show emotion towards the father too, because right now most of the hurt that she is expressing is at her sister instead of at her father's illness.
It was really good. Thanks for sharing!
CK
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Response to Matt's "Series of Omissions"
First of all Matt, I want to extract a promise from you that I'll see your name in print under the title of a novel or collection of short stories some day. Because your stuff is great. Secondly, you made me cry in the middle of class when I was supposed to be listening to a lecture. I was reading your story instead. My friend leaned over and said, "Oh no, what's wrong? Are you okay?" And I told her, "I'm fine, it's just this story..." So I made her read it, too, and then we were both sitting there teary-eyed.
So, this story is about the death of Norman O'Connor and the mess he left behind. It depicts his relationship with his family mostly, and explores both the great qualities of the man and heartfelt moments as well as his faults and mistakes. It discusses how his family will remember him and how he wasn't perfect.
Things I loved: the details you give are so powerful and effective. The rented suits of the sons on pg. 2, the way you casually mentioned Norman being diagnosed on the same page, the degree in Music of the daughter (same pg.): these are the things that make it seem so authentic. Also, you made Norman so three-dimensional. You include a great balance of good and bad aspects of his character. He's not a perfect character, his life is not romanticized because of his death. But you acknowledge the tender moments, too, when he shows that he really loves his family. Anyway, that also made it feel very real. It was something I could relate to. So good job. And the potted cactus on pg. 3. That whole paragraph, really, was super effective.
As far as improvements go, there were a couple very minor issues you will want to edit. For example, Norman has two sons in the first paragraph and a single son in the second. The beginning of the second paragraph felt a little repetitive since you had just listed "wife, daughter, sons" for us before. Maybe you should save that information for the second paragraph, and instead describe the place where he died in your first sentence. In his home, in the hospital, in his sleep, etc. Or maybe his age. On pg. 2 there were a couple minor typos (2nd paragraph, second line, "just like the one she'd had" you left out "she'd", and second to last line on that page "her time he with", omit 'he'). And finally on the last page I felt like it should be "when their parents aren't looking", in the present tense instead of the past, but that one I'm not sure about. We'll talk about it in class, I'm sure.
Also, I didn't understand the title, and it gives me the vague suspicion that I'm missing some entirely different aspect of your story that is important. Am I?
That's all. :)
So, this story is about the death of Norman O'Connor and the mess he left behind. It depicts his relationship with his family mostly, and explores both the great qualities of the man and heartfelt moments as well as his faults and mistakes. It discusses how his family will remember him and how he wasn't perfect.
Things I loved: the details you give are so powerful and effective. The rented suits of the sons on pg. 2, the way you casually mentioned Norman being diagnosed on the same page, the degree in Music of the daughter (same pg.): these are the things that make it seem so authentic. Also, you made Norman so three-dimensional. You include a great balance of good and bad aspects of his character. He's not a perfect character, his life is not romanticized because of his death. But you acknowledge the tender moments, too, when he shows that he really loves his family. Anyway, that also made it feel very real. It was something I could relate to. So good job. And the potted cactus on pg. 3. That whole paragraph, really, was super effective.
As far as improvements go, there were a couple very minor issues you will want to edit. For example, Norman has two sons in the first paragraph and a single son in the second. The beginning of the second paragraph felt a little repetitive since you had just listed "wife, daughter, sons" for us before. Maybe you should save that information for the second paragraph, and instead describe the place where he died in your first sentence. In his home, in the hospital, in his sleep, etc. Or maybe his age. On pg. 2 there were a couple minor typos (2nd paragraph, second line, "just like the one she'd had" you left out "she'd", and second to last line on that page "her time he with", omit 'he'). And finally on the last page I felt like it should be "when their parents aren't looking", in the present tense instead of the past, but that one I'm not sure about. We'll talk about it in class, I'm sure.
Also, I didn't understand the title, and it gives me the vague suspicion that I'm missing some entirely different aspect of your story that is important. Am I?
That's all. :)
Monday, March 19, 2012
Response to Cole's "Status Quo"
Cole-
This story is about a very analytical character who is always observing rather than forming friendships with people, and how he falls into a bit of a rougher crowd and begins doing drugs. The ending is rather ominous, because the narrator is finally a lot calmer and has been accepted. However, he's still trying to "camouflage my naivete", so the readers are unsure if the acceptance he feels is authentic. Also, the narrator himself is uncomfortable at first. On pg. 7, his head is spinning and his heartbeat is rapid.
As far as things I really liked about this story, there were some really clever comparisons. I appreciated the image of the buzzing hive of bees, and how it was brought back by the "buzz buzz" again and again. It gave the story a lot of unity and continuity, and made the shift at the end especially clear. I liked Philip's voice, especially when he is introduced on pg. 3. Also, the diction on p. 5 was especially effective in bringing out the analytical role of the narrator. The phrases "take a sample" and "natural habitat" turned him into a researcher. I would like to see a little bit more of that diction throughout the piece, especially in the beginning when he is wearing blue or wearing winter clothes. Finally, I love the Jane Goodall reference, too.
As far as suggestions go, I would like to see more of Dave. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what to think of him. He's the narrator's best friend but obviously they aren't very close. It's not clear to me, though, if Dave really doesn't care about Jake that much or if he's just afraid how that would label him socially. Maybe make that a little more clear. Also, on pg. 3 "the kid who sat in front of me and was always getting in trouble", is that Philip? If it is, make it really clear when he turns around and talks to Jake that it's the same guy Jake was just thinking about, because I thought of it as a different guy at first. Or make it clear that this memory and the present are taking place in the same classroom, because I just assumed it was a different classroom and therefore a different kid. Also, it might would be a little bit more helpful if we knew a bit more about the narrator and why he has such a hard time relating to people. What is his family like? Does he have siblings? Why do his parents let him wear outrageous clothes to school? Are they just not there?
Thanks for writing! I really enjoyed it.
-CK
This story is about a very analytical character who is always observing rather than forming friendships with people, and how he falls into a bit of a rougher crowd and begins doing drugs. The ending is rather ominous, because the narrator is finally a lot calmer and has been accepted. However, he's still trying to "camouflage my naivete", so the readers are unsure if the acceptance he feels is authentic. Also, the narrator himself is uncomfortable at first. On pg. 7, his head is spinning and his heartbeat is rapid.
As far as things I really liked about this story, there were some really clever comparisons. I appreciated the image of the buzzing hive of bees, and how it was brought back by the "buzz buzz" again and again. It gave the story a lot of unity and continuity, and made the shift at the end especially clear. I liked Philip's voice, especially when he is introduced on pg. 3. Also, the diction on p. 5 was especially effective in bringing out the analytical role of the narrator. The phrases "take a sample" and "natural habitat" turned him into a researcher. I would like to see a little bit more of that diction throughout the piece, especially in the beginning when he is wearing blue or wearing winter clothes. Finally, I love the Jane Goodall reference, too.
As far as suggestions go, I would like to see more of Dave. At this point, I'm not entirely sure what to think of him. He's the narrator's best friend but obviously they aren't very close. It's not clear to me, though, if Dave really doesn't care about Jake that much or if he's just afraid how that would label him socially. Maybe make that a little more clear. Also, on pg. 3 "the kid who sat in front of me and was always getting in trouble", is that Philip? If it is, make it really clear when he turns around and talks to Jake that it's the same guy Jake was just thinking about, because I thought of it as a different guy at first. Or make it clear that this memory and the present are taking place in the same classroom, because I just assumed it was a different classroom and therefore a different kid. Also, it might would be a little bit more helpful if we knew a bit more about the narrator and why he has such a hard time relating to people. What is his family like? Does he have siblings? Why do his parents let him wear outrageous clothes to school? Are they just not there?
Thanks for writing! I really enjoyed it.
-CK
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Response to David Foster Wallace's "Incarnations of Burned Children"
This story is about the panic two parents experience when a pot of boiling hot water falls on their toddler. It mainly focuses on "the Daddy" and his reaction. He immediately assumes the position of the calm father who takes action instead of freaking out, but unfortunately he doesn't realize that the diaper is retaining the water and continuing to burn their son even after the parents have doused him in cool water and wrapped him in a towel. It deals with the guilt that the father feels for not realizing this, the blame he places on the mother for allowing this to happen, and the guilt he feels for wanting a cigarette in the middle of the chaos.
So, one really cool thing about this piece is that it's basically all one giant paragraph. And normally block text can be really intimidating. But because the story was only four pages long, and because it's crazy long sentences keep things moving instead of slowing them down, it doesn't feel that long at all. The block text seems necessary, because paragraphs would interrupt the flow and this story is about one event that happened in a flurry of action and panic. I also think it's interesting how the parents are referred to as the Mommy and the Daddy, because their characters for the purpose of this story are focused on their role as parents. It focuses the story.
I find the ending kind of confusing and ambiguous. The play on the word "tenanted" is interesting, because the father was fixing the tenant's door when the event happened. But it's confusing in terms of the child. Does untenanted mean his body is uninhabited? And if so, what does that mean? That this tragedy forever scarred the child mentally? Everything else about the story was very clear and less symbolic, and the shift at the end confuses me and makes me feel like I'm missing something essential to understanding the story. "Whatever was lost never thenceforth mattered". What does that mean? I get that time is passing and the child is growing up, but what is David Foster Wallace saying about how the kid turned out?
So, one really cool thing about this piece is that it's basically all one giant paragraph. And normally block text can be really intimidating. But because the story was only four pages long, and because it's crazy long sentences keep things moving instead of slowing them down, it doesn't feel that long at all. The block text seems necessary, because paragraphs would interrupt the flow and this story is about one event that happened in a flurry of action and panic. I also think it's interesting how the parents are referred to as the Mommy and the Daddy, because their characters for the purpose of this story are focused on their role as parents. It focuses the story.
I find the ending kind of confusing and ambiguous. The play on the word "tenanted" is interesting, because the father was fixing the tenant's door when the event happened. But it's confusing in terms of the child. Does untenanted mean his body is uninhabited? And if so, what does that mean? That this tragedy forever scarred the child mentally? Everything else about the story was very clear and less symbolic, and the shift at the end confuses me and makes me feel like I'm missing something essential to understanding the story. "Whatever was lost never thenceforth mattered". What does that mean? I get that time is passing and the child is growing up, but what is David Foster Wallace saying about how the kid turned out?
Monday, March 5, 2012
Response to Patrick's "Baking Cookies"
Hi there, Patrick.
This is a story about a young boy who is being sexually abused by his mother and doesn't realize it. He loves his mother, and believes that her actions are normal. In the end, he is taken away from her and put into the care of his grandmother.
So there were some really cool things about this story that I want to highlight. First of all, I love the repetition of the idea of words having more than one meaning. Bringing the "confectioner's vs. powdered sugar" back at the very end as Matt tries to figure out if abuse and love can mean the same thing was super effective. There were also some moments where the voice was very strong, such as on pg 5 when Matt explains "We poop from butts. We shouldn't be touching the place poop comes from". It really emphasized how young the narrator was, and how little he understood. I also really loved how he calls the woman "Ms. Lady" on pg. 7.
As far as suggestions go, I got a little confused about a few things. For instance, the mother's pills are mentioned once of twice but what pills is she taking exactly? Also, we know that the father was abusive to the mother. At the end, when Matt requests to go live with his grandmother, I wish I knew more about her as a person. I am left feeling incredibly suspicious about her since both of Matt's parents have been abusive. I would like to be given a little more closure at the end. There were also a couple places where the voice seemed to belong to a much older child. For example, on pg. 7 Matt asks "There's an incorrect way to touch someone?" I feel like he should ask what "inappropriately" means first, and have to be told "wrong".
That's all. Hope that helps some! Good work.
CK
This is a story about a young boy who is being sexually abused by his mother and doesn't realize it. He loves his mother, and believes that her actions are normal. In the end, he is taken away from her and put into the care of his grandmother.
So there were some really cool things about this story that I want to highlight. First of all, I love the repetition of the idea of words having more than one meaning. Bringing the "confectioner's vs. powdered sugar" back at the very end as Matt tries to figure out if abuse and love can mean the same thing was super effective. There were also some moments where the voice was very strong, such as on pg 5 when Matt explains "We poop from butts. We shouldn't be touching the place poop comes from". It really emphasized how young the narrator was, and how little he understood. I also really loved how he calls the woman "Ms. Lady" on pg. 7.
As far as suggestions go, I got a little confused about a few things. For instance, the mother's pills are mentioned once of twice but what pills is she taking exactly? Also, we know that the father was abusive to the mother. At the end, when Matt requests to go live with his grandmother, I wish I knew more about her as a person. I am left feeling incredibly suspicious about her since both of Matt's parents have been abusive. I would like to be given a little more closure at the end. There were also a couple places where the voice seemed to belong to a much older child. For example, on pg. 7 Matt asks "There's an incorrect way to touch someone?" I feel like he should ask what "inappropriately" means first, and have to be told "wrong".
That's all. Hope that helps some! Good work.
CK
Response to Robert's "A Different Place"
Dear Robert,
This is a story about a family dealing with the aftermath of a car crash that injured many of them and resulted in the death of a family friend. The focus is on the guilt the father feels because he was the one driving the car, and the conflict within the narrator as he watches his dad's helplessness.
So, some awesome things about your story. You have some very authentic details, such as about New Years' karaoke on pg. 2. I also really liked the quote on pg. 3 that "hanging up the phone meant not having any answers." It's like resigning yourself to uncertainty. Anyway, that line was very effective. The description of the Costan Rican hospital was also very effective, although I would avoid words like "primitive" (3). It might be considered offensive.
So moving on to suggestions: while I like the details you give about Derick, I would like more so that there is a greater emotional impact in the reader when he actually passes away. I also wish that we were given more background information about the father. For example, if we were supplied with some of the memories of when he had to be strong, maybe we would see a greater contrast between his current state of helplessness and his past strong self. Finally, the ending feels very unfinished to me. Are we supposed to feel that the narrator is somehow also assuming blame for the accident because if he had asked them to come home early, they may not have had the accident? If this is your intention, make it incredibly clear that the narrator is thinking how things might have been different if they had behaved differently. I am also wondering why the narrator is not on the trip with their family. And finally, why does the father refer to his wife as Miss Stephanie? Wouldn't he just call her by her name? And why does he call Derick Mr. Derick on pg. 2?
Thanks for writing! Keep it up.
CK
This is a story about a family dealing with the aftermath of a car crash that injured many of them and resulted in the death of a family friend. The focus is on the guilt the father feels because he was the one driving the car, and the conflict within the narrator as he watches his dad's helplessness.
So, some awesome things about your story. You have some very authentic details, such as about New Years' karaoke on pg. 2. I also really liked the quote on pg. 3 that "hanging up the phone meant not having any answers." It's like resigning yourself to uncertainty. Anyway, that line was very effective. The description of the Costan Rican hospital was also very effective, although I would avoid words like "primitive" (3). It might be considered offensive.
So moving on to suggestions: while I like the details you give about Derick, I would like more so that there is a greater emotional impact in the reader when he actually passes away. I also wish that we were given more background information about the father. For example, if we were supplied with some of the memories of when he had to be strong, maybe we would see a greater contrast between his current state of helplessness and his past strong self. Finally, the ending feels very unfinished to me. Are we supposed to feel that the narrator is somehow also assuming blame for the accident because if he had asked them to come home early, they may not have had the accident? If this is your intention, make it incredibly clear that the narrator is thinking how things might have been different if they had behaved differently. I am also wondering why the narrator is not on the trip with their family. And finally, why does the father refer to his wife as Miss Stephanie? Wouldn't he just call her by her name? And why does he call Derick Mr. Derick on pg. 2?
Thanks for writing! Keep it up.
CK
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)