Response to Shelby's "Behind the Line"

Hello, Shelby.

This piece is about a character named Isaac who is in the military, and in charge of sending missiles to take out enemy targets. He faces a dilemma, though, because his orders involve firing on a community, including a few houses, a mosque, and a school. As he cannot accept responsibility for the death of children, he chooses to disobey direct orders instead.

I really liked the amount of research it seems you did to make this piece believable. For instance, all the acronyms like FCE, BDU's on pg. 3, FO's, and CP on pg. 7 convinced me that you were knowledgeable about your subject. I don't know much about the military at all, but from reading this it seems as though you know enough to make a fairly believable story. At least, you had me convinced. I also really liked the character of Maguire, the new private who had yet to get past the challenge and fear of it all. The information about Isaac's wife also adds dimension to his character and makes him really human.

I have a couple suggestions. I feel like you can make the climax a lot bigger. Emphasize the stakes that Isaac is taking to disobey a direct order. Maybe have him visualize standing on trial, and then visualize the school being bombed, and have to make a decision with very clear consequences staring him in the face. I would like to be made more aware of the stakes. Also, maybe you should introduce the theme of facing moral dilemmas earlier on. Maybe Maguire has had a hard time adjusting, and Isaac remembers when it wasn't so easy to fire remotely on enemy targets. Or maybe he's had a couple nightmares about the people he's killed, way back in the day before he learned the rule 'kill or be killed'. It might help your readers to figure out earlier on why this story is important, why it needs to be told.

Thanks for writing!