Dear Robert,
This story is about two guys, Curtis and Deangelo, who are gambling together in Las Vegas. I think they're brothers, because they refer to the same man as "dad" on pg. 4. They are dealing with the consequences of a car crash last summer that has seriously injured their dad and killed a man named Bishop.
The voice of this piece was great! There were quite a few moments that really struck me, such as on pg. 2 "that's the kind of thing that stings your gut. Pulls on your chest hair like duck tape". Also, on pg. 6, the description that "the hospital always smelled like a numb wash cloth stuck in your mouth".
The transition was a little confusing to me, from the original table where Curtis was gambling to the point where Curtis had received a phone call, Deangelo has lost his jacket, and they start hashing out back story to do with an "accident last summer". I thought Temptation Temple was going to be important, and then it was skipped right over. Maybe make the transition a little bit longer. And on pg. 4, Deangelo says something about "before we got arrested tonight", which I wasn't even aware had happened. Also the turn around from being in the hospital with Curtis's dad to the next morning when he says he didn't make it is just so fast! It confused me, and I had to go back and check that I'd read everything right. One minute, he was going to be all right with a potential full recovery, and then he was gone.
Basically, that's my biggest suggestion. Make everything clearer. I'm still not sure what the relationship between Curtis and Deangelo is (are they brothers? cousins? just friends?). I'm not sure exactly what happened in the accident, only that someone named Bishop was close to the family died and now Dad is in surgery. And I'm not sure why it is important that Deangelo lost his jacket to the Brazilian girl.
I liked it. Good job!
Sincerely,
Christina
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