Response to Kevin Boy's "Brotherly Love"

To: Kevin
From: Christina

This story was about two grown brothers and their dedication to each other as well as to their past, which conflicts with present financial concerns and safety. The focus is on the relationship William has with his brother. He complains about Stephen to Stephen's children, saying that being like him isn't a compliment (pg. 2). The two brothers also argue a bit, but the heated debate is tempered with pool and whiskey. This makes it clear that although the brothers disagree, there is still a camaraderie that is deeper than their opinions. As the story unfolds, the readers are made aware of some serious sacrifices William makes for his family. He tries not to swear around his niece and nephew, he cooks dinner, he's part of the family. So the story focuses on the relationship between the two brothers, and the process of letting go of the past.

The thing I loved best about this piece was the characters! William is incredibly likable, the way he banters with his niece and calls her "Samuel" instead of "Samantha". I also really liked the detail about how he carries a cigarette around even though he doesn't smoke. I wish you had told us a little bit more about his friend, though, who smoked. Did he get lung cancer? How has smoking affected the friend's life?

As far as suggestions go, I have a few. There are a couple big typos, such as referring to Samantha as Sarah a couple times, on pg. 6 and pg.8. Also, you slipped into first person for one sentence on pg. 8. Also on pg. 8, the paragraph where you describe William's thoughts as he sees the burglar is a little bit confusing. Sometimes you use italics and sometimes you don't. I would say pick one method of presenting his thoughts and stick with it. Personally, I like first person in italics instead of putting tags like "he thought" and stuff, but it's up to you.

Another suggestion involves the description of the family shrine on pg. 3 I found this a little bit overwhelming, because you introduced the names of so many people that we as readers hadn't met. I do think it is important to show us the history that this house holds for the family, but maybe you could cut back on the amount of details that you give us. Maybe you could list the types of plaques on the wall without necessarily naming who they belong to. I think you could keep the detail about Williams degrees and Stephens high school diploma, because that shows the disparity between the two brothers' education.

Finally...I was a little confused about who Leslie was. I assume she was a Realtor? If you could throw in just a bit of narration to clarify that, I would be satisfied.

That's all! Hope that helps some. Good work!