Dear Molly,
This story is about a girl who is bitter after getting herpes from her ex-boyfriend, and it contrasts how each has reacted to the disease.
There was so much about this story that was super effective. I love how you used the image of the zombie from the tattoo place and brought it back at the end. It made it super powerful. Also, the detail about the dying snake and how that was tied in at the end was awesome. It gave a lot of character to Chase and to Caroline. She's the kind of girl who would like a pet snake, and he's the kind of guy who will buy the cheapest one available. There were also a couple descriptions that really hit home, such as calling the twins Teletubbies on pg. 2, the red heart shapes on Chases's neck as described on pg. 1, and the "swallows of trans fat" on pg. 4. All of these were awesome.
As far as suggestions go, there were a couple of sentences or phrases at seemed unnecessarily ambiguous to me. For example, "new blonde waitress" on pg. 1 means that she is newly a waitress or newly blond? Also, on pg. 2 I wasn't sure who said "he's a girlfriend guy". And what does that mean? Did you mean a good boyfriend guy? Also on pg. 2, does the phrase "I like boring you" mean she likes making him bored or likes him better when he is boring? Finally, the transition from the tattoo parlor back to the cheap burger joint on pg. 6 was a little too abrupt for me. It could easily be remedied by a literal space in the text, or some kind of verbal transition to bring us back to the present.
Thanks for writing!
Sincerely,
CK
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Response to Alyson's Smith "Kids"
Hi, Alyson.
The story centers around Jenny, who doesn't fit in very well. She rejects the world of fashion that the girls around her are obsessed with. This story addresses the idea of young girls trying to be much older than they are. There is also a secondary theme addressing hypocrisy at the church camp
So there were lots of things about this story that worked really well. For instance, describing the smell of the lake as a mixture of 'dead fish, water, and gasoline' was very effective, if gross. I also really liked Connor's mutters about "being sorry and naked or nakedly sorry" on pg. 7. You also do a very good job of distinguishing between your narrator and these other girls. The second page is particularly telling.
As far as suggestions go, I feel like there are two many characters. Chandler and Jenna are obviously important, and Connor is essential to the plot. Right now, Jeremy and Miss Caroline don't seem to serve a large function as far as action goes. Their characters provide great social commentary, but maybe they should be incorporated into the plot just a little bit more. Also, Hannah and Lauren and Mary don't seem important at all, and they just distract from the substance of the story. I couldn't even remember who Morgan was by the time I got to page. I would suggest merging some of the extra girls and focusing on the girls who are important to the plot.
Also, it might would help to give a little bit of a greater sense of setting earlier on in your story. I wish I knew their ages on pg. 1, for example. Also, your narrator is so detached, at times to the point where I felt a little bit pushed away by her. The line "I was fascinated" on pg. 7 seemed especially calloused to me. Maybe if you included moments of vulnerability of the narrator, the detachment of the narrator wouldn't strike me as so harsh. For example, I feel like you could expand the scene with Jeremy on pg. 5 and add greater emotional stakes for the narrator.
Thanks for writing!
CK
The story centers around Jenny, who doesn't fit in very well. She rejects the world of fashion that the girls around her are obsessed with. This story addresses the idea of young girls trying to be much older than they are. There is also a secondary theme addressing hypocrisy at the church camp
So there were lots of things about this story that worked really well. For instance, describing the smell of the lake as a mixture of 'dead fish, water, and gasoline' was very effective, if gross. I also really liked Connor's mutters about "being sorry and naked or nakedly sorry" on pg. 7. You also do a very good job of distinguishing between your narrator and these other girls. The second page is particularly telling.
As far as suggestions go, I feel like there are two many characters. Chandler and Jenna are obviously important, and Connor is essential to the plot. Right now, Jeremy and Miss Caroline don't seem to serve a large function as far as action goes. Their characters provide great social commentary, but maybe they should be incorporated into the plot just a little bit more. Also, Hannah and Lauren and Mary don't seem important at all, and they just distract from the substance of the story. I couldn't even remember who Morgan was by the time I got to page. I would suggest merging some of the extra girls and focusing on the girls who are important to the plot.
Also, it might would help to give a little bit of a greater sense of setting earlier on in your story. I wish I knew their ages on pg. 1, for example. Also, your narrator is so detached, at times to the point where I felt a little bit pushed away by her. The line "I was fascinated" on pg. 7 seemed especially calloused to me. Maybe if you included moments of vulnerability of the narrator, the detachment of the narrator wouldn't strike me as so harsh. For example, I feel like you could expand the scene with Jeremy on pg. 5 and add greater emotional stakes for the narrator.
Thanks for writing!
CK
Monday, February 27, 2012
Response to Emily's "With Sweat Stripes Across Our Bellies"
Dear Emily,
This story was about an adult woman dealing with her mother's decline in health as she grows older. It deals with the role reversal when the mom needs to be taken care of like a child.
There were a lot of wonderful details in this story that made it very authentic. For example, the image of the white doilies on pg. 1 and the brief information about the family lineage on pg. 2, as well as the specifics of stuffing the pig stomachs on pg. 4, made me feel that this story was very real and alive. I also really appreciated the inclusion of the slogan for Whery's on pg. 2, because the humor in the pun provided some necessary relief from the more serious subject matter of the piece.
I think it was very effective how you connected the memory of working in the garden with the mom during the summer to the final morning scene where the daughter is tending the garden while the mother is sitting in the lawn chair nearby. It gave a sense of unity to the piece that was very necessary.
As far as suggestions go, there were a few things that bothered me. For instance, if the mother is deaf, how is she talking? Is she not completely deaf? Or is she using sign language to communicate? Is the conversation a memory that happened before the mother completely lost her hearing? A sentence or two of exposition could quickly resolve this confusion and make things much clearer. I also was confused by the fact that the mother could no longer work by the time the narrator was five (this is on pg. 2). Why couldn't she work? Had she already started to lose her hearing?
One final concern is the return of the conversation about the pills. About the third time we came back to it, I became convinced that some grand disaster was about to take place with the medication, and when it didn't, the end felt very anticlimactic. Maybe if you just combined the second and third times this conversation appears, I wouldn't have begun to think that something horrific was about to happen. Also, the sentence "You can't take that medicine twice" on pg. 3 seemed particularly ominous to me. Maybe something less absolute would have a gentler effect. "You shouldn't take that medicine twice" or "You know the doctor said not to..." or "You don't need to...". It's just something to think about.
Thanks for writing!
Sincerely,
Christina
This story was about an adult woman dealing with her mother's decline in health as she grows older. It deals with the role reversal when the mom needs to be taken care of like a child.
There were a lot of wonderful details in this story that made it very authentic. For example, the image of the white doilies on pg. 1 and the brief information about the family lineage on pg. 2, as well as the specifics of stuffing the pig stomachs on pg. 4, made me feel that this story was very real and alive. I also really appreciated the inclusion of the slogan for Whery's on pg. 2, because the humor in the pun provided some necessary relief from the more serious subject matter of the piece.
I think it was very effective how you connected the memory of working in the garden with the mom during the summer to the final morning scene where the daughter is tending the garden while the mother is sitting in the lawn chair nearby. It gave a sense of unity to the piece that was very necessary.
As far as suggestions go, there were a few things that bothered me. For instance, if the mother is deaf, how is she talking? Is she not completely deaf? Or is she using sign language to communicate? Is the conversation a memory that happened before the mother completely lost her hearing? A sentence or two of exposition could quickly resolve this confusion and make things much clearer. I also was confused by the fact that the mother could no longer work by the time the narrator was five (this is on pg. 2). Why couldn't she work? Had she already started to lose her hearing?
One final concern is the return of the conversation about the pills. About the third time we came back to it, I became convinced that some grand disaster was about to take place with the medication, and when it didn't, the end felt very anticlimactic. Maybe if you just combined the second and third times this conversation appears, I wouldn't have begun to think that something horrific was about to happen. Also, the sentence "You can't take that medicine twice" on pg. 3 seemed particularly ominous to me. Maybe something less absolute would have a gentler effect. "You shouldn't take that medicine twice" or "You know the doctor said not to..." or "You don't need to...". It's just something to think about.
Thanks for writing!
Sincerely,
Christina
Response to Matt's "Fortune"
Hey, Matt.
So this story was about a man who isn't all that happy with his life getting robbed, and having to overcome his habit of not taking action in order to escape (at least, I think he escapes.) We don't know much about the narrator except that he is very attached to his dog, that someone who used to live with him left, that his job stresses him out, and that he cares about his niece.
I like how you incorporate somewhat scholarly diction into your piece, such as "sternum" and "concupiscence" on pg. 1 (I had to look that last one up), and "analgesic" on pg. 5 (I had to look that up, too). Even though these terms struck me as scholarly and I didn't know half of them, you balanced it with very conversational syntax. For example, on pg. 2 the sentence "There are two men and they are in balaclavas and they are in my living room and one of them is holding a gun" is constructed of very short clauses that are pasted together, calling the reader's attention to these details as the narrator becomes aware of them. Even the lack of contractions feels normal. I don't feel as though your narrator is talking down to me. I just feel like his day to day vocabulary is somewhat larger than mine. I really appreciate the voice you create.
There are also some awesome comparisons that you made. Likening the robber's eyes to the eyes of the dog struck me the most, actually (pg. 2), especially when the narrator wonders if the robber is also missing some important part of his head. I also appreciated the description of the robber acting as though "he wants me to have an excellent home invasion experience" (3). Also, the description of the second robber after he got shot as scratching at itch was very effective.
I like how you incorporate the television in the background, too. I don't know if that grew out of our earlier exercise in this class or if you'd had this idea long before, but I especially find the woman's screams to be chilling.
As far as suggestions go, there are a couple typos that are easily fixed. They mostly appear on the second page and the fifth page. I marked them all in my copy, at least all the ones that I found. As far as the actual content of the story goes, I think the only thing I would like changed is maybe a bit more information about the narrator (Mike). Particularly, I want to know why someone important left him. It seems implied that Mike is overly passive (sitting on the cough eating Oreos, never got rid of the posters his niece gave him, can't seem to fight back until the very end). Was that part of the reason this important somebody left?
Kay, that's all I got. As always, good job! I like reading your stuff and I want to read the final product of this story once you get it all nice and polished.
So this story was about a man who isn't all that happy with his life getting robbed, and having to overcome his habit of not taking action in order to escape (at least, I think he escapes.) We don't know much about the narrator except that he is very attached to his dog, that someone who used to live with him left, that his job stresses him out, and that he cares about his niece.
I like how you incorporate somewhat scholarly diction into your piece, such as "sternum" and "concupiscence" on pg. 1 (I had to look that last one up), and "analgesic" on pg. 5 (I had to look that up, too). Even though these terms struck me as scholarly and I didn't know half of them, you balanced it with very conversational syntax. For example, on pg. 2 the sentence "There are two men and they are in balaclavas and they are in my living room and one of them is holding a gun" is constructed of very short clauses that are pasted together, calling the reader's attention to these details as the narrator becomes aware of them. Even the lack of contractions feels normal. I don't feel as though your narrator is talking down to me. I just feel like his day to day vocabulary is somewhat larger than mine. I really appreciate the voice you create.
There are also some awesome comparisons that you made. Likening the robber's eyes to the eyes of the dog struck me the most, actually (pg. 2), especially when the narrator wonders if the robber is also missing some important part of his head. I also appreciated the description of the robber acting as though "he wants me to have an excellent home invasion experience" (3). Also, the description of the second robber after he got shot as scratching at itch was very effective.
I like how you incorporate the television in the background, too. I don't know if that grew out of our earlier exercise in this class or if you'd had this idea long before, but I especially find the woman's screams to be chilling.
As far as suggestions go, there are a couple typos that are easily fixed. They mostly appear on the second page and the fifth page. I marked them all in my copy, at least all the ones that I found. As far as the actual content of the story goes, I think the only thing I would like changed is maybe a bit more information about the narrator (Mike). Particularly, I want to know why someone important left him. It seems implied that Mike is overly passive (sitting on the cough eating Oreos, never got rid of the posters his niece gave him, can't seem to fight back until the very end). Was that part of the reason this important somebody left?
Kay, that's all I got. As always, good job! I like reading your stuff and I want to read the final product of this story once you get it all nice and polished.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Response to Shelby's "Behind the Line"
Hello, Shelby.
This piece is about a character named Isaac who is in the military, and in charge of sending missiles to take out enemy targets. He faces a dilemma, though, because his orders involve firing on a community, including a few houses, a mosque, and a school. As he cannot accept responsibility for the death of children, he chooses to disobey direct orders instead.
I really liked the amount of research it seems you did to make this piece believable. For instance, all the acronyms like FCE, BDU's on pg. 3, FO's, and CP on pg. 7 convinced me that you were knowledgeable about your subject. I don't know much about the military at all, but from reading this it seems as though you know enough to make a fairly believable story. At least, you had me convinced. I also really liked the character of Maguire, the new private who had yet to get past the challenge and fear of it all. The information about Isaac's wife also adds dimension to his character and makes him really human.
I have a couple suggestions. I feel like you can make the climax a lot bigger. Emphasize the stakes that Isaac is taking to disobey a direct order. Maybe have him visualize standing on trial, and then visualize the school being bombed, and have to make a decision with very clear consequences staring him in the face. I would like to be made more aware of the stakes. Also, maybe you should introduce the theme of facing moral dilemmas earlier on. Maybe Maguire has had a hard time adjusting, and Isaac remembers when it wasn't so easy to fire remotely on enemy targets. Or maybe he's had a couple nightmares about the people he's killed, way back in the day before he learned the rule 'kill or be killed'. It might help your readers to figure out earlier on why this story is important, why it needs to be told.
Thanks for writing!
This piece is about a character named Isaac who is in the military, and in charge of sending missiles to take out enemy targets. He faces a dilemma, though, because his orders involve firing on a community, including a few houses, a mosque, and a school. As he cannot accept responsibility for the death of children, he chooses to disobey direct orders instead.
I really liked the amount of research it seems you did to make this piece believable. For instance, all the acronyms like FCE, BDU's on pg. 3, FO's, and CP on pg. 7 convinced me that you were knowledgeable about your subject. I don't know much about the military at all, but from reading this it seems as though you know enough to make a fairly believable story. At least, you had me convinced. I also really liked the character of Maguire, the new private who had yet to get past the challenge and fear of it all. The information about Isaac's wife also adds dimension to his character and makes him really human.
I have a couple suggestions. I feel like you can make the climax a lot bigger. Emphasize the stakes that Isaac is taking to disobey a direct order. Maybe have him visualize standing on trial, and then visualize the school being bombed, and have to make a decision with very clear consequences staring him in the face. I would like to be made more aware of the stakes. Also, maybe you should introduce the theme of facing moral dilemmas earlier on. Maybe Maguire has had a hard time adjusting, and Isaac remembers when it wasn't so easy to fire remotely on enemy targets. Or maybe he's had a couple nightmares about the people he's killed, way back in the day before he learned the rule 'kill or be killed'. It might help your readers to figure out earlier on why this story is important, why it needs to be told.
Thanks for writing!
Response to Robert's "Curtis and DeAngelo"
Dear Robert,
This story is about two guys, Curtis and Deangelo, who are gambling together in Las Vegas. I think they're brothers, because they refer to the same man as "dad" on pg. 4. They are dealing with the consequences of a car crash last summer that has seriously injured their dad and killed a man named Bishop.
The voice of this piece was great! There were quite a few moments that really struck me, such as on pg. 2 "that's the kind of thing that stings your gut. Pulls on your chest hair like duck tape". Also, on pg. 6, the description that "the hospital always smelled like a numb wash cloth stuck in your mouth".
The transition was a little confusing to me, from the original table where Curtis was gambling to the point where Curtis had received a phone call, Deangelo has lost his jacket, and they start hashing out back story to do with an "accident last summer". I thought Temptation Temple was going to be important, and then it was skipped right over. Maybe make the transition a little bit longer. And on pg. 4, Deangelo says something about "before we got arrested tonight", which I wasn't even aware had happened. Also the turn around from being in the hospital with Curtis's dad to the next morning when he says he didn't make it is just so fast! It confused me, and I had to go back and check that I'd read everything right. One minute, he was going to be all right with a potential full recovery, and then he was gone.
Basically, that's my biggest suggestion. Make everything clearer. I'm still not sure what the relationship between Curtis and Deangelo is (are they brothers? cousins? just friends?). I'm not sure exactly what happened in the accident, only that someone named Bishop was close to the family died and now Dad is in surgery. And I'm not sure why it is important that Deangelo lost his jacket to the Brazilian girl.
I liked it. Good job!
Sincerely,
Christina
This story is about two guys, Curtis and Deangelo, who are gambling together in Las Vegas. I think they're brothers, because they refer to the same man as "dad" on pg. 4. They are dealing with the consequences of a car crash last summer that has seriously injured their dad and killed a man named Bishop.
The voice of this piece was great! There were quite a few moments that really struck me, such as on pg. 2 "that's the kind of thing that stings your gut. Pulls on your chest hair like duck tape". Also, on pg. 6, the description that "the hospital always smelled like a numb wash cloth stuck in your mouth".
The transition was a little confusing to me, from the original table where Curtis was gambling to the point where Curtis had received a phone call, Deangelo has lost his jacket, and they start hashing out back story to do with an "accident last summer". I thought Temptation Temple was going to be important, and then it was skipped right over. Maybe make the transition a little bit longer. And on pg. 4, Deangelo says something about "before we got arrested tonight", which I wasn't even aware had happened. Also the turn around from being in the hospital with Curtis's dad to the next morning when he says he didn't make it is just so fast! It confused me, and I had to go back and check that I'd read everything right. One minute, he was going to be all right with a potential full recovery, and then he was gone.
Basically, that's my biggest suggestion. Make everything clearer. I'm still not sure what the relationship between Curtis and Deangelo is (are they brothers? cousins? just friends?). I'm not sure exactly what happened in the accident, only that someone named Bishop was close to the family died and now Dad is in surgery. And I'm not sure why it is important that Deangelo lost his jacket to the Brazilian girl.
I liked it. Good job!
Sincerely,
Christina
Monday, February 20, 2012
Response to Kevin Boy's "Brotherly Love"
To: Kevin
From: Christina
This story was about two grown brothers and their dedication to each other as well as to their past, which conflicts with present financial concerns and safety. The focus is on the relationship William has with his brother. He complains about Stephen to Stephen's children, saying that being like him isn't a compliment (pg. 2). The two brothers also argue a bit, but the heated debate is tempered with pool and whiskey. This makes it clear that although the brothers disagree, there is still a camaraderie that is deeper than their opinions. As the story unfolds, the readers are made aware of some serious sacrifices William makes for his family. He tries not to swear around his niece and nephew, he cooks dinner, he's part of the family. So the story focuses on the relationship between the two brothers, and the process of letting go of the past.
The thing I loved best about this piece was the characters! William is incredibly likable, the way he banters with his niece and calls her "Samuel" instead of "Samantha". I also really liked the detail about how he carries a cigarette around even though he doesn't smoke. I wish you had told us a little bit more about his friend, though, who smoked. Did he get lung cancer? How has smoking affected the friend's life?
As far as suggestions go, I have a few. There are a couple big typos, such as referring to Samantha as Sarah a couple times, on pg. 6 and pg.8. Also, you slipped into first person for one sentence on pg. 8. Also on pg. 8, the paragraph where you describe William's thoughts as he sees the burglar is a little bit confusing. Sometimes you use italics and sometimes you don't. I would say pick one method of presenting his thoughts and stick with it. Personally, I like first person in italics instead of putting tags like "he thought" and stuff, but it's up to you.
Another suggestion involves the description of the family shrine on pg. 3 I found this a little bit overwhelming, because you introduced the names of so many people that we as readers hadn't met. I do think it is important to show us the history that this house holds for the family, but maybe you could cut back on the amount of details that you give us. Maybe you could list the types of plaques on the wall without necessarily naming who they belong to. I think you could keep the detail about Williams degrees and Stephens high school diploma, because that shows the disparity between the two brothers' education.
Finally...I was a little confused about who Leslie was. I assume she was a Realtor? If you could throw in just a bit of narration to clarify that, I would be satisfied.
That's all! Hope that helps some. Good work!
From: Christina
This story was about two grown brothers and their dedication to each other as well as to their past, which conflicts with present financial concerns and safety. The focus is on the relationship William has with his brother. He complains about Stephen to Stephen's children, saying that being like him isn't a compliment (pg. 2). The two brothers also argue a bit, but the heated debate is tempered with pool and whiskey. This makes it clear that although the brothers disagree, there is still a camaraderie that is deeper than their opinions. As the story unfolds, the readers are made aware of some serious sacrifices William makes for his family. He tries not to swear around his niece and nephew, he cooks dinner, he's part of the family. So the story focuses on the relationship between the two brothers, and the process of letting go of the past.
The thing I loved best about this piece was the characters! William is incredibly likable, the way he banters with his niece and calls her "Samuel" instead of "Samantha". I also really liked the detail about how he carries a cigarette around even though he doesn't smoke. I wish you had told us a little bit more about his friend, though, who smoked. Did he get lung cancer? How has smoking affected the friend's life?
As far as suggestions go, I have a few. There are a couple big typos, such as referring to Samantha as Sarah a couple times, on pg. 6 and pg.8. Also, you slipped into first person for one sentence on pg. 8. Also on pg. 8, the paragraph where you describe William's thoughts as he sees the burglar is a little bit confusing. Sometimes you use italics and sometimes you don't. I would say pick one method of presenting his thoughts and stick with it. Personally, I like first person in italics instead of putting tags like "he thought" and stuff, but it's up to you.
Another suggestion involves the description of the family shrine on pg. 3 I found this a little bit overwhelming, because you introduced the names of so many people that we as readers hadn't met. I do think it is important to show us the history that this house holds for the family, but maybe you could cut back on the amount of details that you give us. Maybe you could list the types of plaques on the wall without necessarily naming who they belong to. I think you could keep the detail about Williams degrees and Stephens high school diploma, because that shows the disparity between the two brothers' education.
Finally...I was a little confused about who Leslie was. I assume she was a Realtor? If you could throw in just a bit of narration to clarify that, I would be satisfied.
That's all! Hope that helps some. Good work!
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Response to Janelle Green's "The Truth Behind the Window"
(Hi, Janelle!)
This story dealt with the theme of suburban hypocrisy. Christina (that's me!) watches her neighbors through her window and so is exposed to much of their lives that they didn't want others to see. The irony is that Christina's own life is less perfect. She is content to be aware of that hypocrisy of her neighbors, and not to do anything about it just as she doesn't do anything to salvage her own less-than-perfect marriage.
There were quite a few phrases in this piece that really captured images. For example, on the first page, the Larry's jacket is "beginning to swell with patches of dark gray" from the rain. "His looks were all he had" on pg. 3 is another favorite phrase of mine. Also, the comparison of watching through the window to watching a silent movie was a very effective comparison (pg.1). Finally, the scenes that Christina witnesses from her window are hilarious! I love the description of Larry in the rain, not realizing his keys are on the ground not that far from him, and I love the scene with the spoiled little girl who doesn't want to have to pedal. The image of her dad running back to the house with her flailing in his arms to fetch a Band-Aid for her was perfect.
As far as suggestions go, I have a few concerns. It took me a little while to figure out how old Christina was intended to be. Mostly, the sentence "watching her neighbors was fun" made me wonder if she was younger. Consider using a more mature adjective there, or clarifying that Christina is a fully grown married woman a little earlier on in your story. I wasn't sure of her relative age until pg. 3. Also, I'm not sure that switching from present tense to past tense over and over again was necessary. I'm not sure if this was intended, or to what end it would have been intended. I marked all the sections where this occurred. I would suggest maintaining past tense for the duration of the story, because the immediacy of present tense isn't very necessary to the heart of the story and the switches are distracting. There are some grammatical discrepancies as well. I tried to mark them all in the text, but it was a little distracting at times. Finally, I wish there was more development during the actual story. Why is Christina married to Theo? And how does she actually change during the course of the story? She seems content at the end with only knowing the real truth about her neighbors and their lives, even if no one else knows it and it doesn't change anything, but that doesn't seem that different from the very beginning of the story.
Thanks for writing! It was fun to read.
This story dealt with the theme of suburban hypocrisy. Christina (that's me!) watches her neighbors through her window and so is exposed to much of their lives that they didn't want others to see. The irony is that Christina's own life is less perfect. She is content to be aware of that hypocrisy of her neighbors, and not to do anything about it just as she doesn't do anything to salvage her own less-than-perfect marriage.
There were quite a few phrases in this piece that really captured images. For example, on the first page, the Larry's jacket is "beginning to swell with patches of dark gray" from the rain. "His looks were all he had" on pg. 3 is another favorite phrase of mine. Also, the comparison of watching through the window to watching a silent movie was a very effective comparison (pg.1). Finally, the scenes that Christina witnesses from her window are hilarious! I love the description of Larry in the rain, not realizing his keys are on the ground not that far from him, and I love the scene with the spoiled little girl who doesn't want to have to pedal. The image of her dad running back to the house with her flailing in his arms to fetch a Band-Aid for her was perfect.
As far as suggestions go, I have a few concerns. It took me a little while to figure out how old Christina was intended to be. Mostly, the sentence "watching her neighbors was fun" made me wonder if she was younger. Consider using a more mature adjective there, or clarifying that Christina is a fully grown married woman a little earlier on in your story. I wasn't sure of her relative age until pg. 3. Also, I'm not sure that switching from present tense to past tense over and over again was necessary. I'm not sure if this was intended, or to what end it would have been intended. I marked all the sections where this occurred. I would suggest maintaining past tense for the duration of the story, because the immediacy of present tense isn't very necessary to the heart of the story and the switches are distracting. There are some grammatical discrepancies as well. I tried to mark them all in the text, but it was a little distracting at times. Finally, I wish there was more development during the actual story. Why is Christina married to Theo? And how does she actually change during the course of the story? She seems content at the end with only knowing the real truth about her neighbors and their lives, even if no one else knows it and it doesn't change anything, but that doesn't seem that different from the very beginning of the story.
Thanks for writing! It was fun to read.
Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"
This story was in first person, and in the present tense, both of which have been a little uncommon in our readings so far for this semester. This served to give the reader a very personal interaction with a narrator even when the reader may have very little in common with her. Also, the use of present tense served to characterize the narrator as a person who focuses very little on the past or the future, and instead focuses on the present. Also, the diction and syntax are all fairly simple, which emphasizes the immaturity of her character. She also strings together rather long sentences using many "ands", such as "I'm alone in the bathroom and I'm sitting on the sink and my butt is falling a little into the sink part, faucet on faucet, and I turn around to myself in the medicine-cabinet mirror and check my teeth and they are bright and white because last week I bought a new tooth cleaner and it's working and my eyeliner isn't smeared because..." (pg. 111). The sentence continues even longer. The short, simple clauses strung together with "ands" emphasize the immaturity of the narrator.
The author uses many small details to characterize her narrator. For example, the very first sentence is incredibly revealing: "At the party I make a goal and it is to kiss three men: one with black hair, one with red hair, the third blond" (107). Already, the readers are made aware that the narrator is young, at a party, and shallow. The topic quickly shifts to fashion, showing that the narrator is aware of trends and hates the commonplace. She outright announces that she is rich on pg. 109 which tells the readers she is blunt. The readers get an idea of how twisted the narrator is from her descriptions of the scenes she painted with violent weapons hidden in the landscapes on pg. 108.
The author also very casually adds importance to a very minor character, the hostess, without dwelling too much on her. Bender introduces the hostess in the very first paragraph, stating that "she likes to invite me to things because for one, she feels sorry for me and for two, she finds me entertaining and blushes when I cuss. It's how we flirt" (108). This mention of the hostess, as well as a vague recount of how all hostesses react to the narrator's fancy outfits, is only followed by one further detail about this character. On pg. 116, the narrator finally discloses a little information about her former relationship with the hostess, which seems to have deteriorated since then. The narrator is hesitant to discuss the hostess in any further detail. Bender uses this hesitance to suggest this deterioration. In the few details the reader receives, Bender is able to communicate the importance of this character. On pg 116, it is revealed that the narrator would "buy her a blue leather miniskirt or a sheer black slip and she would try them on at my house in the ultra-mirrored bathroom and model and pose. She refused to wear them out. She wore them just for me". The nature of the articles of clothing suggests some sexual tension, as well as the detail that "we never touched". All of this information is encoded into just a few sentences.
The author uses many small details to characterize her narrator. For example, the very first sentence is incredibly revealing: "At the party I make a goal and it is to kiss three men: one with black hair, one with red hair, the third blond" (107). Already, the readers are made aware that the narrator is young, at a party, and shallow. The topic quickly shifts to fashion, showing that the narrator is aware of trends and hates the commonplace. She outright announces that she is rich on pg. 109 which tells the readers she is blunt. The readers get an idea of how twisted the narrator is from her descriptions of the scenes she painted with violent weapons hidden in the landscapes on pg. 108.
The author also very casually adds importance to a very minor character, the hostess, without dwelling too much on her. Bender introduces the hostess in the very first paragraph, stating that "she likes to invite me to things because for one, she feels sorry for me and for two, she finds me entertaining and blushes when I cuss. It's how we flirt" (108). This mention of the hostess, as well as a vague recount of how all hostesses react to the narrator's fancy outfits, is only followed by one further detail about this character. On pg. 116, the narrator finally discloses a little information about her former relationship with the hostess, which seems to have deteriorated since then. The narrator is hesitant to discuss the hostess in any further detail. Bender uses this hesitance to suggest this deterioration. In the few details the reader receives, Bender is able to communicate the importance of this character. On pg 116, it is revealed that the narrator would "buy her a blue leather miniskirt or a sheer black slip and she would try them on at my house in the ultra-mirrored bathroom and model and pose. She refused to wear them out. She wore them just for me". The nature of the articles of clothing suggests some sexual tension, as well as the detail that "we never touched". All of this information is encoded into just a few sentences.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Reponse to T.C. Boyle's "The Love of My Life"
This piece involves a lot of summary, which allows it to cover a lengthy span of time. It begins when the two main characters are in high school, and ends after their freshmen year of college, reducing an entire year into 19 pages. Summary becomes very necessary to keep the story moving. The author selects a few scenes to dwell on. At first, it is difficult to discern what the actual plot will be, since the first scene at Jeremy's mom's house seems a little disconnected from the story of their planned trip to the wilderness. Their trip is summarized, then all of their freshman fall semester is summarized.
Of course, the story of her pregnancy gives the piece some continuity, but the author also uses other aspects of each scene to create unity. The imagery of the weather, the roads iced over, in the very first scene when the two are alone at Jeremy's mothers' house is repeated on the night when China gives birth. This helps to connect two seemingly little-related scenes. The author also draws parallels between China's dorm life, described in a single paragraph, and her time at Sarah Barnes Cooper Women's Correctional Institute. The food "was exactly what they served at the dining hall in college", and the room was "just like a dorm room, except that they locked you in at night" (147). Finally, the author describes both the frozen night at Jeremy's mother's house and the baby as "alien" (134 and 143). She compares the child to the monster in the movie, like one of the "slasher" movies they used to watch which sent the message "Teens have sex and then they pay for it in body parts". The single reference to the movie Alien reminds the reader of this earlier comment, creating a comparison between the situation of the two teenagers and the slasher movies. Also, the image of the moon is used to unify the piece. China quotes a John Donne poem to Jeremy, saying she loves him "more than moon" (139). As she grows with her pregnancy, he begins to call her "more than moon" since her stomach is so round and white (140). The note that she sends him during the trial references the poem again, saying that she loves him more than moon (148). All of these images serve to unify the story.
The theme of love is dealt with in this story, quite extensively, raising the question about the definition of the word. The two teens define it in terms of actions. China seems to think love should be "the way it was in the movies, where the stars ambushed each other on beds the size of small planets and did it again and again until they lay nestled in a heap of pillows and blankets" (134). They kissed every time they met because "that was love, that was the way love was" (136), and for their spring break trip, Jeremy "didn't even bring his fishing rod, and that was love" (137). Their idea of love is called into question, though, once China is pregnant. Jeremy begins to think of her as "stupid", "stubborn", "irrational" (141). Yet he does what she asks when she tells him to "get rid of it", meaning the child (144). Does love mean doing whatever someone asks you to do? The reader is lead to question the validity of China's love, too, because in the end she chooses to testify against Jeremy, blaming him for the death of their child, claiming to have believed she had a miscarriage. Yet she claims to still love him.
Of course, the story of her pregnancy gives the piece some continuity, but the author also uses other aspects of each scene to create unity. The imagery of the weather, the roads iced over, in the very first scene when the two are alone at Jeremy's mothers' house is repeated on the night when China gives birth. This helps to connect two seemingly little-related scenes. The author also draws parallels between China's dorm life, described in a single paragraph, and her time at Sarah Barnes Cooper Women's Correctional Institute. The food "was exactly what they served at the dining hall in college", and the room was "just like a dorm room, except that they locked you in at night" (147). Finally, the author describes both the frozen night at Jeremy's mother's house and the baby as "alien" (134 and 143). She compares the child to the monster in the movie, like one of the "slasher" movies they used to watch which sent the message "Teens have sex and then they pay for it in body parts". The single reference to the movie Alien reminds the reader of this earlier comment, creating a comparison between the situation of the two teenagers and the slasher movies. Also, the image of the moon is used to unify the piece. China quotes a John Donne poem to Jeremy, saying she loves him "more than moon" (139). As she grows with her pregnancy, he begins to call her "more than moon" since her stomach is so round and white (140). The note that she sends him during the trial references the poem again, saying that she loves him more than moon (148). All of these images serve to unify the story.
The theme of love is dealt with in this story, quite extensively, raising the question about the definition of the word. The two teens define it in terms of actions. China seems to think love should be "the way it was in the movies, where the stars ambushed each other on beds the size of small planets and did it again and again until they lay nestled in a heap of pillows and blankets" (134). They kissed every time they met because "that was love, that was the way love was" (136), and for their spring break trip, Jeremy "didn't even bring his fishing rod, and that was love" (137). Their idea of love is called into question, though, once China is pregnant. Jeremy begins to think of her as "stupid", "stubborn", "irrational" (141). Yet he does what she asks when she tells him to "get rid of it", meaning the child (144). Does love mean doing whatever someone asks you to do? The reader is lead to question the validity of China's love, too, because in the end she chooses to testify against Jeremy, blaming him for the death of their child, claiming to have believed she had a miscarriage. Yet she claims to still love him.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Response to Cole Stuart's "Vacation from Boyhood"
Dear Cole,
This story is about two guys trying really hard to be grown up Men, and failing. The main character is a college-aged guy with a lot of ideas who likes to brainstorm with his buddy, Connor. However, neither one of them are as good at putting these ideas into action as they are at coming up with them. During the course of the story, they try to put their schemes into action but it doesn't work out as they had planned. Their attempt at being Men, and men of action, fails.
The dialogue in this piece was very well executed. I think my favorite line was, "...I have been preparing for this for like three weeks now, and have three weeks' worth of unshaven chest hair to prove it. Beat that sucker." The whole idea of the two guys going back and forth, trying to one-up each other in manliness, really amused me. Also, the dialogue when your narrator is describing "dying in the cold winds of Siberia" and Conner replies, "We're in Wisconsin". That little dialogue snippet was very effective, and felt very natural and authentic. There were also a couple of descriptions that really caught my attention: "Godforsaken creation that is Facebook" on page 1, the phrase "flaunt our masculinity" on page 3, "goliath of a vehicle" on the same page. And finally there were three or so sentences that really the captured the kind of voice I think this piece calls for throughout: "I was ten; the name stays" on pg. 2, "After all, men don't need sleep" pg. 3, and the concluding sentence.
As far as suggestions go, I felt like the narrative voice was sometimes a little too stiff. Maybe the narrator is trying to sound grown-up and mature beyond his years, but it feels too much like it's trying to be scholarly and that doesn't fit with any themes of the story. Why not just call "messages on a computer" emails on pg 2? Also, "the remembrance of the sense of accomplishment and freedom was inspiring" on the same page is quite a mouthful. These kinds of descriptions happen frequently in your piece. I tried to mark all of them, because they felt out of place to me. They didn't sound like the way a college-aged kid on a quest for manhood would describe his emotions. In fact, I didn't really feel that the narrator should describe his emotions that much. We should be able to figure that out from the things he chooses to describe, and from his actions and dialogue. For that paragraph on pg. 2, "my heart would race" to "behind my old house today" could probably be cut. The transition into the memory would be a lot easier if it started with "I bet I could still find a hidden structure of logs and rocks behind my old house: Fort Batmans." Or something to that effect. I marked all the areas that felt a little stiff or awkward, and I put some suggestions on some.
I also wish there was a little bit more characterization. What separates Connor and the narrator besides the fact that Connor was a Boy Scout? Why are they trying so hard to be men? Did something before this challenge their manhood? I would also like to see some more specific details about their earlier friendship, things like Fort Batmans. What else did they do in grade school? Why weren't they that close in high school if they hung out in grade school, and are really close now? What kind of "haunted" places did Connor find? I would enjoy this piece so much more if details like Connor's knack for finding haunted places was replaced by an memory of a specific haunted place. These are all suggestions. They aren't necessary to the message of your piece, but I do think they would enhance the art of it.
Thanks for writing!
CK
This story is about two guys trying really hard to be grown up Men, and failing. The main character is a college-aged guy with a lot of ideas who likes to brainstorm with his buddy, Connor. However, neither one of them are as good at putting these ideas into action as they are at coming up with them. During the course of the story, they try to put their schemes into action but it doesn't work out as they had planned. Their attempt at being Men, and men of action, fails.
The dialogue in this piece was very well executed. I think my favorite line was, "...I have been preparing for this for like three weeks now, and have three weeks' worth of unshaven chest hair to prove it. Beat that sucker." The whole idea of the two guys going back and forth, trying to one-up each other in manliness, really amused me. Also, the dialogue when your narrator is describing "dying in the cold winds of Siberia" and Conner replies, "We're in Wisconsin". That little dialogue snippet was very effective, and felt very natural and authentic. There were also a couple of descriptions that really caught my attention: "Godforsaken creation that is Facebook" on page 1, the phrase "flaunt our masculinity" on page 3, "goliath of a vehicle" on the same page. And finally there were three or so sentences that really the captured the kind of voice I think this piece calls for throughout: "I was ten; the name stays" on pg. 2, "After all, men don't need sleep" pg. 3, and the concluding sentence.
As far as suggestions go, I felt like the narrative voice was sometimes a little too stiff. Maybe the narrator is trying to sound grown-up and mature beyond his years, but it feels too much like it's trying to be scholarly and that doesn't fit with any themes of the story. Why not just call "messages on a computer" emails on pg 2? Also, "the remembrance of the sense of accomplishment and freedom was inspiring" on the same page is quite a mouthful. These kinds of descriptions happen frequently in your piece. I tried to mark all of them, because they felt out of place to me. They didn't sound like the way a college-aged kid on a quest for manhood would describe his emotions. In fact, I didn't really feel that the narrator should describe his emotions that much. We should be able to figure that out from the things he chooses to describe, and from his actions and dialogue. For that paragraph on pg. 2, "my heart would race" to "behind my old house today" could probably be cut. The transition into the memory would be a lot easier if it started with "I bet I could still find a hidden structure of logs and rocks behind my old house: Fort Batmans." Or something to that effect. I marked all the areas that felt a little stiff or awkward, and I put some suggestions on some.
I also wish there was a little bit more characterization. What separates Connor and the narrator besides the fact that Connor was a Boy Scout? Why are they trying so hard to be men? Did something before this challenge their manhood? I would also like to see some more specific details about their earlier friendship, things like Fort Batmans. What else did they do in grade school? Why weren't they that close in high school if they hung out in grade school, and are really close now? What kind of "haunted" places did Connor find? I would enjoy this piece so much more if details like Connor's knack for finding haunted places was replaced by an memory of a specific haunted place. These are all suggestions. They aren't necessary to the message of your piece, but I do think they would enhance the art of it.
Thanks for writing!
CK
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Response to Paul Vance's “The Day Beverly Lost Jessica”
(Hi, Paul. Hi, Dr. Spell.)
This story dealt with two main themes.
The main character, Beverly, seemed to be a mother realizing that her
daughter is growing past the special relationship where a mother and
a daughter can be best friends. Beverly wants to keep her daughter
close, but Jessica desires fame. The conflict centers around the two
opposing desires. Beverly's daughter is reaching her teenage years
when the only goal for a kid is to grow up as quickly as possible,
and Beverly is having to come to terms with this. The secondary theme
dealt with our modern youtube culture which has so much emphasis on
the media and pursuing fame. There was a bit of social critiquing
going on, as Beverly questions whether the agency can really make her
daughter famous. Of course, then Jackson sends the twelve-year-old
out into the brawl in the lobby and calls for the camera. Paul seems
to be suggesting that child stars are often sacrificed for the sake
of fame and someone else's paycheck.
There were quite a few phrases that I
really enjoyed. Paul described the girls as having “their hair made
up, their faces made-up....their skirts hemmed-up” (1). I liked the
parallelism. Some of Jessica's dialogue in particular seemed very
appropriate for a character in her age range. She tells her mom, “You
shouldn't ask stuff like that before stuff like this, Mom”, with
all the vagueness of a real twelve-year-old. Also, the way the music
lyrics were woven into the dialogue towards the end of the piece
worked great. It built up the chaos and the suspense until the fight
broke out.
As far as suggestions go, it seemed a
little imbalanced to me. The first page is a block of text, heavy
with narration. The first sentence is eight lines long. While the
really convoluted sentences helped to imbue the reader with some of
the sensory overload Beverly was experiencing, it contrasted a little
too sharply with the abrupt shift to dialogue-heavy text on pg. 5.
All of a sudden, there was no narration. I would suggest thinning the
narration out a little bit in the beginning, and making the
transition a little bit more gradual from one to the other. Maybe you
could add a little bit more detail about the character's actions on
page five, include a couple dialogue tags on page six, and gradually
ween the reader off of them. I think you need to keep the last page
or two as free of these tags as you can, because I love the way the
story moves. It really gains momentum when you don't tell the reader
who is speaking. The only narration I would suggest adding in the
last couple pages would be a brief sentence introducing Mark and
pointing out his entrance, because the addition of another character
confused me at first.
Great job! It was fun to read.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)